"Sunday, I had a trauma anniversary. A big one. I was terrified that the minute I was alone, all of the horrible things would come flooding back. I just wanted to be surrounded by people who felt safe.
Monday, I had flashbacks all day. It was really hard. I was really scared. I really needed support. I just needed someone to talk me through what was happening in my head. I needed someone to remind me that it wasn’t happening anymore.
Tuesday, I felt unlovable. I really needed someone to remind me that I was lovable, but I was afraid to ask. People tell me all the time that they love me. I felt stupid asking to hear it.
Wednesday, I was having a lot of anxiety. I just needed someone to be patient with me. I needed someone to sit with me and talk to me about nothing so I could distract myself from the thoughts racing through my head.
Thursday, I was really sad that my friends had to leave. I didn’t like the feeling of knowing I wouldn’t get to see them again for a long time. I started to worry maybe they wouldn’t want to come back. Maybe they wouldn’t want to spend any more time with me. I wondered if I had done something wrong that I didn’t know I’d done. I fell down a rabbit hole of “what ifs” and I needed someone to help me reign the thoughts back in.
Friday, my chronic illness flared up and I really didn’t feel good physically. I just needed someone to know I wasn’t feeling so good. I needed someone to remind me to rest and take care of myself because I forget to do that sometimes.
Saturday, I looked back at my work week and realized how little I had gotten done. I wondered if my bosses thought I was lazy. I wondered if I was going to get in trouble for not getting enough work done. I wondered if I was even worthy to have such an amazing job that I love so much when there have been so many days where I haven’t been able to do anything.
Tonight, right now actually, the anxiety is bubbling up in my chest. The dark thoughts are creeping in that scare me. I feel small and unsafe. I feel like maybe I should call someone.
But Sunday I needed to be surrounded with people to feel safe.
Monday I needed someone to help me ground myself.
Tuesday I needed to be reminded that people love me.
Wednesday I needed someone to distract me from my thoughts.
Thursday I needed to be reminded that I matter to the people around me.
Friday I needed someone to remind me to take care of myself.
Saturday I needed someone to tell me it’s okay to have bad days.
So I don’t call anyone. I don’t reach out for help. I feel a lot like “the girl who cried wolf,” asking for support for each of those things when the real need would come later. The problem is, each of those days there was a wolf and I needed that support.
I regularly feel like the “always something” friend. There is always something coming up that I need support to get through. There is always something happening that I need someone to sit with me through. There is always something that I should know how to do but have to be reminded how to do it.
And I am so, so scared that someday my friends will get tired of it. Someday they won’t sit with me. Someday they won’t care that I don’t feel good. Someday they won’t help me through. Someday they’ll move on to a less needy friend.
And I’m terrified tonight might be someday.
So I don’t call anyone."
Never be afraid to reach out for help.
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